The Loneliness of The Close Up Wildlife Documentary Film Maker

Poor, poor Helix Aspersa.  Eleven paltry views on YouTube in a week.  That snail climbed several stairs over the course of half a dozen hours for YOUR televisual entertainment.  I spent several minutes filming and editing that masterpiece of molluscan melodrama.  I wonder if David Attenborough started out like this?  A world of indifference excepting for eleven anonymous viewers, five of which are no doubt robots, three secret police, and the rest weirdo/perverts looking for snail snuff films.  There are some sick people out there.

Once again the fickles of fate frown on the fortunes of black sheep and their fantastical follies.  The world does not deserve the multi-minuted blockbuster, on a subject kept tightly under wraps, that I may or may not produce on a whim in the future.

Not that I do these things for fame.  No.  I did it for Helix,  the common garden snail.  I mean, come on, how often do you look at these things, I mean really look?  Snails have feelings too you know.  They like to be appreciated from time to time, just like everything else.  It’s life, Jim, but not as we know it 😉

The Creepy Crawlies of Newton Ferrers.

I was a little bored on night-shift the other night, so to while away the hours I took a few photos of the local nocturnal bug life.  I even made a movie of a snail, Helix Aspersa, an ugly little bugger up close, reminiscent of the beast from the movie Predator.  Though maybe that’s just me.  Anyway, enjoy…

A Common Shiny Woodlouse

The Common Shiny Woodlouse, or Oniscus asellus.   I knew them as ‘slaters’ as I was growing up.  Horrible things, I have never liked them.  It’s body armour is called ‘epimera’.   At the rear there are two pointy bits called ‘uropods’.  You can tell it apart from other woodlice by these, and by the antennae, or ‘flagellum’, which is in three segments.  The eyes are a group of shiny black bumps knows as ‘ocelli’.   These little beauties are found all over the UK.

A Leopard Slug I think…

This, I suspect, is a Leopard Slug, known as The Great Grey Slug, or Limax Maximus.  It may be a rather young one.  Slugs are hermaphrodites, so it is no good telling them to ‘go f*ck themselves’, as they would.  It is said on the interwebs that slugs can travel at speeds of up to 0.00726mph.  Certainly they travel at a pace that allows for a high degree of accuracy in measurement!  And did you know that some slugs have over 25,000 teeth?  Well you do now.  Sweet dreams.

Helix Aspersa, Common Garden Snail

This snail spent the entirety of my night-shift climbing the stairs towards the office and then back down to where it started from.  It took about 6 or 7 hours, a round journey of about 3 metres.  For nothing.  And I thought sheep were stupid.  A snail’s eyes are in the tip of it’s tentacles.  These beasties too are hermaphrodites, having both male and female sex organs.  Yet, apparently they prefer to mate with one another.  There is a lot of love in the world of l’escargot.

At the foot of the stairs…

Where am I going?

And last came the spider…

Possible Orb Web Spider

I am not sure about this wee beauty, but I think it may be an Orb Web Spider ( Araneus Diadematus), but I am not 100% sure.  Nevertheless, it’s a pretty little thing.  If anyone knows what kind of spider it is, I’d be obliged if you’d let me know.  Thanks.

Oh, and before I forget, here is a wee video of a snail.  It is my first venture into wildlife documentary filmaking, so please be kind.