“We Teach Life, Sir.”

I have just discovered this wonderful, and very moving poem, by Rafeef Ziadeh.   It deserves to be widely heard.  Pass it on.

I Will Survive…

OK, I admit it, I have been a miserable bastard this last 9 months or so.  I apologise to all those(all two of you) who have had to read ma sad laments and moans.   From today I intend to get back to normal.  There may still be the odd bit of moaning though….  😉

Beset by a litany of problems, that, frankly, might have killed a lesser man, I have allowed maself to wallow far too long in a depressing stupor.  Falling out with my father, falling out with my brother, becoming homeless, the stress and hangover from Occupy Plymouth(which I have still to write about at some point), serious health problems in the family, being skint, getting bronchitis, an abscess in my mouth, and the falling apart of what I regarded as a serious long-term relationship, all contributed to the ‘perfect storm’ that afflicted me.  It has taken me til now to clear the mental fog all this has caused.  Problems still exist, my Mum is going in for a hysterectomy soon, and Dad in for an operation on his prostate, I’m still skint, and single, but things do not seem so irredeemably bleak as they did a short while ago.  I am not quite sure what has lifted my spirits, possibly the intervention of some good friends, but I feel better.  Maybe the two weeks I had off work, which I thought I had wasted, have actually done me some good after all?

Anyway, thank you to all those who have put up with me, tried to lift my spirits, or attempted to distract me from my own personal annus horribilis.   You will be pleased to know your efforts have not been in vain.  All I need noo is ma leg over and I’m sorted…    😉

Yeees! Gerrinthere Andy Murray!

It’s well past two in the morning, and I’ve just watched Andy Murray win the US Open tennis championship, and enjoyed it tremendously.  A fine topping to a terrific evening.  Just what the doctor ordered.  It’s amazing what a few beers in a new place, with some new folk, followed by the success of a fellow Scot, can do for ones mood.

I was roped in this evening to fill in for a missing player in a local pub darts team.  Darts is not completely alien to me, as there is dartboard at home, and I was a member of a team when I lived in Rothesay that won the New Year’s Shield, some 10 years or so.  The match tonight was in a pub called the Revenue, and we lost, with me winning one game and losing another.  They were a great bunch of lads, and I had a highly enjoyable evening.  Following that, we retired to the Fortescue, where I shared a drink with another delightful group, including some lovely ladies, and even a particularly lovely lady.  She even touched my arm, by jings!  And if that wasn’t nice, I don’t know what is….

And from there it was home to watch the final set and a half of the tennis, via an excellent free live stream a friend had pointed me to, while playing Romanza on my guitar, slightly intoxicated.  At 4-2 I knew Andy had won it.  It was great to see a Scottish success story, to alleviate the gloom from Saturday’s Serbian debacle.  And I’m claiming Andy as Scottish, not British, ye ken?  😉

Well done, Andy.  Fred who?

The Boy The Girl Forgot.

I wrote in the last post that my ex-girlfriend had said that I would forget all about her when I met someone else, and how I took that to mean she would forget all about me when she met someone.  Well, tonight I got wind of my erasure from her memory banks, and the consumation of her relationship with another fella.  A fella she first started chatting to when we were still seeing one another too.  Sadly the quote from Bob Marley I referenced previously isn’t working it’s magic anymore.

It’s half past one in the morning, and I am unable to sleep, and unable to rationalise my feelings.  I don’t feel good, that’s for sure.  And I am annoyed by my own inability to ‘man up’ and just ‘get over her’ as a few well-meaning folk have tried to encouraged me to do.

That’s easy for them to say.

Some say that love is “the highest form of energy”, but if this is so then it cannot be destroyed or diminished.  It can only be changed into another state.  And a tempestous energy like love can likely only be changed into something equally as tempestous.  Which is why it is said love often turns to hate, and vice versa.

Not that I am anywhere close to hate.

And I feel this way despite the fact she has met someone else.  I feel this way despite the fact that her love was always conditional and mine was not, and despite the likelihood that she is in the process of forgetting me.  Despite my suspicions that I was a stopgap til something better came along, and despite the fact I am a no good bum, undeserving of such wonder in my life, I FEEL this way.   Despite the fact there is no hope, I feel this way.  Despite the fact she even advised her family to remove me from their friends lists on Facebook, I feel this way.  And despite her desire to remain friends after ripping my guts out, I feel this way.

Maybe one day I shall generate some ill-feeling that will help me get over her.  Just not tonight.

Feelings, they are a pain in the fucking arse.

Good Old Bob Marley….

I came across a quote by Bob Marley the other day which read –

“If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy.  If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing.  If she’s worth it, you won’t give up.  If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

For too long now I have been berating myself over the failures of my love life.  But no more.  All I have to do is change the ‘she’ to a ‘he’ in that Marley quote and I see things a little bit differently –

If he’s amazing, he won’t be easy.  If he’s easy, he won’t be amazing.  If he’s worth it, you won’t give up.  If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

I forget sometimes that I am a worthwhile human being too.  From now on the only ones I will ‘suffer for’ are the ones that ‘won’t give up’.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I’m now starting to feel sorry for those who missed out on me.  😀  Funny how a wee quote can change yer mindset…..