I wrote in the last post that my ex-girlfriend had said that I would forget all about her when I met someone else, and how I took that to mean she would forget all about me when she met someone. Well, tonight I got wind of my erasure from her memory banks, and the consumation of her relationship with another fella. A fella she first started chatting to when we were still seeing one another too. Sadly the quote from Bob Marley I referenced previously isn’t working it’s magic anymore.
It’s half past one in the morning, and I am unable to sleep, and unable to rationalise my feelings. I don’t feel good, that’s for sure. And I am annoyed by my own inability to ‘man up’ and just ‘get over her’ as a few well-meaning folk have tried to encouraged me to do.
That’s easy for them to say.
Some say that love is “the highest form of energy”, but if this is so then it cannot be destroyed or diminished. It can only be changed into another state. And a tempestous energy like love can likely only be changed into something equally as tempestous. Which is why it is said love often turns to hate, and vice versa.
Not that I am anywhere close to hate.
And I feel this way despite the fact she has met someone else. I feel this way despite the fact that her love was always conditional and mine was not, and despite the likelihood that she is in the process of forgetting me. Despite my suspicions that I was a stopgap til something better came along, and despite the fact I am a no good bum, undeserving of such wonder in my life, I FEEL this way. Despite the fact there is no hope, I feel this way. Despite the fact she even advised her family to remove me from their friends lists on Facebook, I feel this way. And despite her desire to remain friends after ripping my guts out, I feel this way.
Maybe one day I shall generate some ill-feeling that will help me get over her. Just not tonight.
Feelings, they are a pain in the fucking arse.
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